Goosfraba

My Attempt at an Essay About Newt Gingrich: A Hopeless Mission

Josh — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 22:41:14 +0000

Newt Gingrich wanders our great nation on a seemingly hopeless mission, a master-less samurai of our times. He’s a man on a mission to be our leader, and to boast of his limitations.

“I’m not a natural leader. I’m too intellectual; I’m too abstract; I think too much,” Newt admits.

I’m reminded of Dan B., someone I knew back in college. He saw himself as super sensitive, and thus always struck out with women (and eventually men too). “I guess my problem is that I love too much,” he would often say (or something like that).

At least Newt doesn’t suffer from that problem, having been married several times before. He even had the foresight to divorce wife #1 because she wasn’t “young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a President.” Surely this is a man who knows women.

“Females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections,” Newt once remarked, cementing his reputation as one of the Republican party’s many experts on women.

“What of do you think of this story?” I ask my wife. “I don’t know how to end it.”

“Sorry honey,” Denise replies, “It’s just not drawing me in.”

Outside my living room window, the first ice cream truck of the season plays “It’s a Small World After All.”

“At least they changed the song this year,” Denise sighs.

Fart Dog

Josh — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:49:51 +0000

Some Republicans Show Their True Colors (Burnt Orange)

Josh — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 03:42:02 +0000

Douchebags. They are as much a part of the american landscape as credit cards, Pomeranians, and non-dairy creamer.

And no characteristic defines the modern American douchebag better than the ubiquitous orange spray tan.

Now most republicans are not douchebags, but some are. And to what degree republicans exhibit douchebag tendencies depends much on their future political aspirations.

Observe, please..

Rep. John Boehner before being elected Speaker of the House:

John Boehner recently:

See the difference?

Now let’s look at a republican whose political ambitions are on the decline..

Here’s Donald Trump before his brief involvement in the “birther” movement:

And here he is today:

What do you think? Am I on to something here?

All things considered, I’m surprised that Senator John McCain never considered getting a spray tan himself. His political career has been on a downward trajectory since he traded away most of his own political principles in the last presidential campaign.

And he did receive an endorsement from The Jersey’s Shores “Snooki” for his opposition for taxes on tanning salons.

I don’t know why the senator never exploited this support. There are certainly douchebag republican voters out there.

And the Senator could benefit from a bit more skin tone.

Romney’s Rainy Day (and the Promise of New Jobs for You)

Josh — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 19:41:16 +0000

So it turns out Mitt Romney has millions stashed away in the Cayman Islands.

Image from mariopiperni.com, a great website that I recommend.

Perhaps he’s just preparing for coming race war that Ron Paul‘s newsletter kept warning us about.

Image from David Weigel‘s column at The Slate.

Of course, thanks to great media coverage, we all know that Mitt Romney is an investment genius who created hundreds of thousands of jobs (more or less).

Now back in the Cheney/Bush administration, the smart investment was on Haliburton.

Where to invest your paycheck (or unemployment check) (or money from relatives) in 2013? Let’s see who gets elected.

Ron Paul (in his own words)

Josh — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 19:21:26 +0000

A lot of people are worried about global warming. Scary business. Luckily at least one of our presidential candidates is ready to step up and assume leadership on this troubling issue.

Civil rights are a whole other ball of wax. I mean, everyone gets along with everyone, right? Ask your black friends if they see a level playing field. Ron Paul talks to his black friends every day, I’m sure.

If only Martin Luther King jr. were still alive. Surely him and Ron Paul would be great allies in liberty.

Luckily we know the media is full of horrible lies about Ron Paul’s newsletter. I mean, it’s not like a presidential candidate, who aspires to run a government of 2.65 million employees could be expected to be aware of what his staff of 7 people are up to all the time, right?

Right.

Are you Hungary? For democracy.

Josh — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 04:43:55 +0000

	There’s talk in the European parliament about taking legal action against Hungary, whose populist government has been criticized for moving towards authoritarianism.
Some are even suggesting expulsion from the EU.

So just what sort of initiatives has longtime Prime Minister Viktor Orban taken to invite such criticism?

“Kiss a Stranger on the Mouth Mondays”
Boxed wine at state functions (with no free drinks for EU diplomats)
Only those without acne allowed to vote
Used car dealers required to provide citrus to all customers (the “Lemon Law”)
Maximum and minimum speed limit both set to 50kph on all roads.
Pension plan for judges now includes deeply discounted tickets on Italian cruise liners.

World’s Fanciest Walgreens Opening Tuesday

Josh — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 04:39:13 +0000

If you’ve lived in Chicago long enough, you remember the old Walgreens on the northeast corner of State and Randolph. It was there from 1926-2005, until it was demolished to build a Loehmann’s for some reason.

Here’s how it looked in the old days, when Chicago was still horribly segregated.

Now that Loehmann’s is gone, Walgreens is returning to the corner with vengeance, opening what could well be the most over-the-top drug store in the known world.

The store opens at 6:30 AM tomorrow. Here are some advance pictures:

Here is the new store, taking up both floors of the old Loehmann's building. 26,000 square feet.

Take that, CVS!

The grocery store in this place should be pretty amazing. On your way to purchase tampons, you’ll now have the option to enjoy made-to-order smoothies, self-serve frozen yogurt, sushi and juice bars, and a barista selling exclusive State & Randolph brand coffee.

This puts Walgreens in direct competition with Starbucks, which does NOT sell tampons.

And, no, this isn’t your typical grocery store sushi (which in Chicago is usually distributed by the Moonies — it’s true). This amazing drug store will have actual sushi chefs on premises.

Thirsty? You’re a loser if your local drugstore doesn’t have at least 400 different varieties of wine.

I’ve also heard that this Walgreens will have special edition beers from Goose Island and Two Brothers

And supposedly this store will have it’s very own humidor.

Martin Luther King Jr: Where No Man Has Gone Before

Josh — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:26:29 +0000

Martin Luther King, Jr., arguably one of America’s greatest heroes, is best known as the father of the modern American civil rights movement.

His message of ethnic equality, shared opportunities, and non-violence, inspired a nation.

Less well-known is Dr. King’s role in encouraging the actress who would go on to play the first non-stereotypical black woman character on television.

I’m referring to Nichelle Nichols and her role as Lt. Uhura on Star Trek

Who Cut the Cheese?

Josh — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 03:56:54 +0000

There was great pride across the dairy state last night when Miss Wisconsin won the 2012 Miss America beauty pageant.

Then, not 24 hours later, the Green Bay Packers were eliminated from playoff contention. The hopes of so many cheeseheads sunk like a badly piloted cruise ship. (Just keeping it topical, folks.)

Hang in there, my northwoods friends. Maybe next year beauty and sport will converge again.

Fun with API’s

Josh — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 18:01:19 +0000

Even though I work with web application production readiness every day, I’ve never done anything technical on my own time before.

Today I created API applications to allow login to my blog from Facebook, Google+, Twitter, Yahoo!, and LinkedIn. This required upgrading my server Python and creating custom apps on each website platform. Like so many things I tinker with, I didn’t know what I was doing much of the time, but got it done.

Of course, no one is actually reading this blog yet. But when you do, feel free to leave a comment under whatever name you like.

I really need a hobby or something.